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OFF TOPIC - Worst Weekend Ever

September 2nd, 2007 at 08:49 pm

Hello, everyone. I have survived what is probably the worst weekend ever. My hubby and I went to see my mom and other family. Mom does not like him and has not liked him since before she met him. She formed opinions about him before meeting him based on her warped notion of what she remembers me saying about him after meeting him. He and I have been married a little over 7 years and have been together about 8 1/2. While we have been through hell and back together, we are very happy and plan to be together for a long time. (We usually joke about 150 years.)

I was about to make breakfast for him in her kitchen this morning when I realized I could find neither olive oil nor real butter. He will not use or eat margarine or anything with soy in it. He said to me, "Well let's go get some," meaning get some butter from the store. She took this as an insult that her food is not good enough for us or something and told my husband to get out of her house and never come back.

Before I ever even met my hubby, going way back to my birth, my mother has had an extreme control issue with me. She never physically abused me, but she did allow my brother to beat me up. She constantly reminded me that I am not good enough for her in my career, my husband, my home, how much money I make, and any other topic under the sun. She has always treated me like I am still in diapers and incapable of making any decision on my own. She also told me today that she wants nothing to do with me while I am married to my husband. She forced me to choose and I think she thought I might choose her instead of him.

I am feeling pretty confused right now and not sure what I want to do about this. I am going to have to do a lot of thinking. Have any of you ever been forced to deal with a situation like this? I am not looking for advice, necessarily, mainly moral support so that I don't feel so alone.

18 Responses to “OFF TOPIC - Worst Weekend Ever”

  1. baselle Says:

    I was forced to deal with an issue very much like this. I realized in high school that my mother was alcoholic, controling, abusive, and depressive. She blamed me and told me "you've wrecked my life." This continued in college and probably beyond, but by then it hardly mattered - I was gone. Its the single reason that I hadn't contacted my family for 7 years.

    I moved away from people who hated me to people that love me. Remember that your husband loves you, you love him, and you are married to him. Follow the love.

  2. Ima saver Says:

    I am so sorry. My mother did not like my first husband and we did not speak for a year, but then we got back together later. I hope it all works out for you.

  3. starfishy Says:

    That does sound like the worst weekend ever. I'm sorry you had to go through it and that you now have to deal with your mother's preposterous declaration. Good luck sorting it all out.

  4. LuckyRobin Says:

    Your mother is emotionally abusive and sounds downright nasty. I know you didn't ask for advice so I will just tell you what I would do. If someone treated me that way they would be out of my life and I would not feel bad about it. We do not choose our families but we do choose our husbands. Personally I would have told her that I would neither see nor talk to her again until she was ready to accept my husband and myself for who we are and not who she thinks we should be. And if that was never, then so be it. Family or no, if they can't love you unconditionally (except in cases of abuse, rape, or murder) than they deserve no space in your life, mind, or heart.

  5. carol Says:

    What a horrible position to be put in. I know she's your mother, but hon I have to back LuckyRobin's reply.

  6. Broken Arrow Says:

    Blah! This reminds me of all the years of having to deal with my ex-mother-in-law who was an abusive alcoholic. And I say this "nicely".

    She never did anything directly to me because she knows full well that if I had my way, I would "kick her to the curb" so to speak without so much as a blink of an eye.

    However, my ex could never stand up to her because she was "family", the cycle of abuse continued. My ex-MIL was emboldened while I remained frustrated and powerless as my ex cried for countless nights. And it went on for years like this!

    You know, this is something that I'll never understand. Why are some mothers so oppressive against their daughters? I don't understand that at all.

    Anyways, I really do feel for you. I'll also never understand my ex on that point. I guess I'm glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore.... Although in our occasional email correspondences, she still insists on pointing out that she's never had "family" like the way I did. I'm thinking, "What family?! Your mother abused you for years, and you're still listening to her rather than putting your foot down. But, OH, it's fine to put fight me on every little thing because I'm expendable and she's not eh? Thank you very much for for the kind treatment even though I gave a damn about you and she didn't"

    I'm sorry, am I going overboard with this? Big Grin I'll stop now.

  7. fairy74 Says:

    I just saw my mother for the first time in 5 years this weekend because she has always acted the same way. Before she came I laid down the rules, and told her if she stepped out of line once I would show her the door. My sanity, my husband's comfort and my child's future are vastly more important than her need for control and drama. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You made the right choice. Hopefully she will gain some respect and treat you like an adult.

  8. debtfreeme Says:

    I'm sorry you had to go throguh this, may you have the strength you need in the coming months.

  9. fern Says:

    I'm so sorry to hear this, but i do feel a little less evil myself as i have not hit it off well with my boyfriend's parents. It may not be good for your mental health and well-being to spend much time with your mother. Sounds like it's more damaging than anything else. I think people, even family, need to earn our loyalty and love, and the fact that it's blood ties doesn't really mean a lot if they don't act in a loving manner.

  10. crazylibladyc Says:

    Thank you all so much for your messages of support and advice. It helps so much to know I am not alone. i feel great comfort in the knowledge that I believe I will now have a more peaceful life without all the criticism and down right abuse of me and my husband. I sometimes wonder what my father would have to say about all this if he were alive. He and I saw much more eye to eye about everything and I think he would like my husband. You all are a really terrific bunch of friends, supportive when we have money troubles and family troubles, too! Big Grin

  11. koppur Says:

    I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. I don't know exactly what you are going through since I've never been through it. I'd say it sounds like your mom was abusive...just emotiobally instead of physically. If she can't love and accept you for who you are now, it is probably best you don't have anything to do with her. Of course, easier said than done.

  12. kashi Says:

    That is just ridiculous. You'd think after 7+ years, she would have gotten over it by now. Clearly, you think the world of him, so she should have attempted to make an effort to get to know him.

    The issue is hers, not yours. I hope you can peacefully distance yourself from it. Sending hugs!

  13. Carolina Bound Says:

    It sounds like your mother has some serious mental health issues. Even so, she is showing you that she is not caring. I never dealt with abuse this bad, but I did have to learn to focus on those who loved me, and ignore those who did not. I'm with Baselle. Follow the love.

  14. JanH Says:

    Coming to this late....but I sorta understand what you are talking about. Both my parents had mothers who were not nice to their children. I hated the way they treated my parents. We had a few issues with Hubby's parents and we moved away to get some distance. Still, none of us and our spouses worked together and supported each other well during the "visits" we had with family. I applaud you for being in unison with your DH. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I think there is a book called "Boundaries" that someone said was good. I have thought of reading it. We have tried to figure out how to be respectful, but keep our distance and to have each other's back when dealing with them. If I had the ultimatum to choose, I would go with spouse's love!

  15. Nic Says:

    Well, knowing your mom doesn't like your husband,perhaps it's best if you two stay at a hotel when visiting.It may be that she is unhappy w/herself and takes it out on others.
    I don't care for my SO's mother and brother and they are NOT welcome to stay in our home. They may visit for a day, but can park their butts at a hotel.

  16. crazyliblady Says:

    My mother has been undeniably clear that unless I divorce my husband or he dies, she does not even want to see me. Even if that were not the case, I am tired of being bullied, manipulated, and emotionally abused. I have been a happier, calmer person since it happened. I am trying to re-establish contact with other family members, though.

  17. fairy74 Says:

    again you have my sympathies in dealing with this. Whatever you do keep contact with the rest of your family (as long as they are not like your mom) as they are not responsible for her behavior. Take good care of yourself and many good thoughts to you!

  18. reflectionite Says:

    i have a similar issue, im 20 and have been with bf for 4 years, my mother is an alcoholic, and everyone hates her bahaiour when she is like this. my bf lets her know that he doesnt like this, which she then rataliates by yelling and getting in his face. he does the same to her, and then all of a sudden HE is the aggresive one (stems from my mums ex husband who was abusive - she now has a major issue with anyone who is slightly louder/taller/bigger/etc than her, and anyone that tells her what to do or what not to do - she thinks she can do anything she likes and then if it is a problem to anyone, it's their problem and has nothing to do with her - frustrating, i know!!!)
    anyway, this is the reason why i no longer socialise with my mother past the hours of 4pm, and i usually leave if she so much as opens a beer or pours a glass of wine.
    it also means i have to deal with her going on about my "controlling, aggresive" boyfriend (he is the EXACT opposite of these things!!!)
    anyway. i guess its one of those things you just have to deal with somehow. how? i dont know!

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